You know you're a serious nerd when cleaning out your closet and even when you're donating/trashing 75% of your seriously old clothes (in hopes of getting nicer more professional ones) you HAVE to keep your Star Trek and Final Fantasy shirts.

Haha.

You may disregard this post. It's a shameless pity party so it's fine if I'm the only one attending.

My wallet got stolen Monday night while I was at work. At 8:15 I ran over to Au Bon Pan, came back and put my wallet somewhere probably relatively near the register, but behind the register so it shouldn't have been in reach of a customer. I think I probably put it on the counter to the right of the register that's set back a bit, but may have been in view. Regardless, it was a weird night with the store full of people and then not and back and forth. We closed at 9, and I still had customers trying to get in at 9:30. When we went to leave I grabbed my purse to find I hadn't returned my wallet to my purse. That's not entirely out of the ordinary for me (or anyone there really, that counter's been litered with everyone's crap at one point or another) so I check the counters and it's still not there. Sam and I looked for 15 minutes, couldn't find it. Danielle looked in the morning, and my mom and I went back in the morning and searched, and couldn't find it anywhere. It's not even like it's a small wallet, it's more like a black clutch that I could keep everything in and just switch between my purse and school bag. So I've spent the last day and a half canceling everything and getting my license and everything.

As if I weren't frustrated enough over that, this morning I get a letter from Salem State telling me that if I don't pay my $3500 bill in the next week it's going to a collection agency and from there they can take my tax returns, garnish my already pathetically low wage, and completely ruin my already fragile credit.

And the job hunt? Going absolutely nowhere fast. I'm not stopping or anything, but I can't seem to catch a break. And I guess my vacation was okay, aside from the fact that the weather killed my fibromyalgia and I was in the hospital for an afternoon because I got dehydrated from 4 days of loose shit.

The only thing I want to do right now is write something that maybe I can submit somewhere. I feel like I'm so down on my luck and have everything else ripped from me it's the only thing I have left. I'm a bit overwhelmed to work on my novel at the moment though (although I did write a couple of scenes, but I'm discouraged from it because I have a feeling the novels won't go anywhere because as Bill puts it "People don't want realistic fantasy" or something like that.) I just don't know where to start looking to submit short stories.

My father's trying to cook, and it could be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Or smelled.

He's attempting to make my mother's mac & cheese casserole, and he's adding cheeses my mom never puts in, using whole crackers instead of crumbs. This could really be quite the concoction. The last time he attempted to cook he made a really weird version of lasagna that never solidified. It had like twice as much sauce and three times as much cheese as what my mother makes. It was... different.

In other news, vacation in two days. Yay. ^_^ We still have to figure out where we're going to leave from and the sort. I'll just call Evan later and try to figure all that out. Tomorrow I was supposed to go up to Salem for the Historical conference, but my fibro and this weather has been making me do nothing but sleep. For example, I slept until about 9:30 this morning, got up for a bit went to an interview, and by noon I was back in bed exhausted and slept until 4. I've just been so tired and lethargic this week. Fortunately I haven't had a packed schedule like when this has happened in the past. Even if I'm feeling better tomorrow, I'll still need to stay in and do laundry and make sure I'm all set for the trip.

I've had two interviews this week. My first one was for an Aveda-based salon and it would be the reception or call center, switching between the two. I think it went well, but I don't think it went really well or anything. I didn't really ask enough questions.

My interview today was for a small shoe boutique in Winchester called Mad About Shoe, which I think is fantastic. It's been in business for about 5 years, and a new owner just picked it up. Previously it has been the owner and then one or two part time high school girls. The new owner works full time as a real estate agent, so she'll be the part time person and I'd be more of the full time employee. The job would be about 28 hours a week for now, and that'll probably grow in the fall. I think it would be kind of fun.

But, as always, we'll see what happens. If I don't hear back from either place while I'm away on vacation the job hunt resumes upon return. It's seriously going to drive me crazy not being on craigslist, monster, and careerbuilder every couple of hours to see if anything new has been posted.

So if I don't post again before I go away, I'll miss you guys. I'll try to remember to bring back pictures because Bar Harbor is absolutely gorgeous.

This answer has varied a lot over the years. And even if you ask me now, it still does because there are certain mindsets that I relate to certain characters better. I've always related to Terra since I was a little girl. It started because when my dad played the game and I watched for the first time, he named me Terra. I was like 5 so I watched her really closely. But I really loved her character, especially as I grew up, because she was gentle and motherly but wasn't just that backrow healer that's been so common for female leads. Similarly, about this same time I idolized Marle from Chrono Trigger.

In high school I related to Virginia from Wild Arms 3. Everything she said, the way she acted, the selfless attitude, the scared but determined way she pushed herself through, and her naivete.

These days? I'm not sure. I'm a bit too jaded for a good fit with Virginia. I definitely still relate to Terra at the end of the game, but I don't quite have an identity crisis anymore. Maybe Avril from Wild Arms 5 or Ashe from FFXII would be better fits now.

Whoever said that money can't buy happiness is full of shit, I've decided tonight while laying in bed completely depressed and stressing over my current situation.

Now while this particular line I'm sure encompasses more of frivolous spending, nonetheless, I've had people shove this line down my throat the last couple of weeks, and I'm fucking sick of it.

Money would in fact seriously help kick me out of my current funk. I need money to eat properly and take either yoga/tai chi/some other activity that my body could handle. I really want to lose weight because getting clothes to fit is a bitch since anything that would fit my hips and midsection is far too large on the chest. And even if this excessive width of hips is genetic and will be there no matter how fit I get, I still need money to get some nicer clothes tailored, because everything looks like shit on me right now. My mom has the same hip width issue, but at least she has the DD boobs to go with it. (Some of what's gotten me in this funk is that the cheongsam I ordered came in today and it's way too tight around the hips but it so excessively big up top. I now have absolutely nothing nice to wear and Bill wants to go to Morton's steakhouse. I have no money to get anything nice even if he pays for the meal.)

Money would get me back in school. School's really the only thing I've had going for me, even though I entirely blew it off last semester. I'm going into my senior year for fuck's sake.

Money would let me move out of the house. This is imperative for my mental health since my younger brother has moved back home. This would also help with my food issue since he eats anything I bring in even when I tell him not. I brought in a loaf of bread last Wednesday, and by Friday morning it was gone, save the heels. I hadn't taken any of it. I can't handle being smothered anymore.

And in general, money would make me feel comfortable since I'd know I'd be able to pay all my bills on time. Sure, I'd love to have some extra money to be able to buy myself something on a whim, but I'd be a much happier and less stressed person if I could get some fucking hours at work.

Therefore, the statement that money cannot buy happiness is only a conditional statement.

...Can I be retarded and say my current job?

I think in all seriousness I couldn't be like a hospice nurse. I think it'd just be really depressing.

So what's the trick to not caring about your current job? Because if I keep doing so, I think I might have another anxiety attack over it.

I'm job hunting like mad. I had an interview yesterday that I thought went well, but now I'm waiting to see if they'll call me for another interview. In the mean time, back to sending out my resume to jobs I'm really probably not qualified for. Or if I am I forget to change something in my cover letter so it makes sense to the job I'm applying to.

I really shouldn't be anxious about work. I'm doing really well with my sales and average ticket the past 2 weeks. But if I don't start getting more hours I'm going to have to say something since hours are supposed to be based on sales, and if I'm top sales why aren't I getting more hours?

...And why the hell is my cat laying on my jeans in the middle of the floor? My bed's more comfy Mavis...

I am a mess right now.

I've been having a mental breakdown for the last several hours. I'll talk about it later when the added stress of talking about it won't make me feel like I'm going to vomit.

Please distract with kitties and jokes and anything? <3

Figured just a quick update before I leave for work in like ten minutes.

So I went to a salon on Newbury St. yesterday that was hiring a receptionist. I thought it'd be pretty cool, until they said they only pay $10 an hour. Barely enough to even cover the parking/subway fees just to get to and from work. So that didn't pan out.

I went down to Melrose today (Btw, why does that city NOT believe in street signs?) and there's a company hiring for a receptionist/admin position. They got my resume Monday, called me last night, and had me come down to fill out the paper application. They told me that they'd be going over the applications and resumes today and tomorrow and giving calls out tomorrow afternoonish to set up interviews for Friday. Here's hoping.

And if nothing comes of this one, then it's back to scouring craigslist and monster. *sigh*

To get full time work so I don't have to panic about money anymore.

...As if you guys couldn't have guessed that already.

Guess I'm feeling a bit better.

I'll start off by saying that Bill can be absolutely amazing. Friday I snapped and thought I was going to have a complete mental breakdown. Everything's just gotten to me. I can't find full time work, and I'm getting so damn discouraged from not hearing anything. Work's had me on edge. And I'm so damn tired living at home, but that can't change until I get full time work. No way I could afford rent or anything on the little I take home every week. Not that working 35-40 hours a week will change anything right away, it'll just be a big step in the right direction. Everything being a mess is absolutely driving me crazy. My house is so gross that when I go in the basement to do laundry I have to hold my fucking breath. It's unbelievable. Yeah I might have laundry and random trash in my room, but ugh.

So I was really reserved in talking to Bill about why I was upset since the last thing I wanted to hear was "Just calm down, it'll be okay" because I was at the point I was thinking of checking myself into a mental health hospital. Luckily he didn't, and instead dragged me out to lunch before I had to go to work. It was to try to make me feel better and because he knows when I get worked up I lose my appetite, and I probably wouldn't have eaten at all on Friday if he hadn't.

I'm also incredibly bothered that I'm not graduating this semester. It's driving me crazy that all my classmates are now. It's frustrating because I was one of the "smart kids", and I have no idea when I'll ever be able to get back to school.

There's been a couple jobs I've been thinking of applying to, but they're receptionist positions at nice salons. I mean, it's exactly what I'm looking for. And I love fashion... but I'm fucking poor and have no nice clothes thanks to doing nothing but working in fast-paced mostly dirty retail work. Especially now when I'm supposed to wear nicer clothes to work but they get so damn dirty and covered in tea. Plus I'm on my feet all day, so why the hell would I want to wear anything but comfortable shoes, especially considering my disability. One of the places is in Lynn, the other's on Newbury St in Boston. I've been so depressed that I've felt like I shouldn't even bother. This depression's been sliding over into my dress shopping since Bill and I got coupons to Morton's, which is a really nice high class steak house. I've been back and forth between a typical black formal dress and a cheongsam, because I've always been in love with them but I'll probably look absolutely ridiculous in one.

And in all this browsing online, I've either come back to my senses or snapped completely, but fuck it. I'll go get my nails done on Monday, hit Marshalls and try to find a nice top to go with my black slacks and Tuesday when the two salons are open I'll do something with my hair/make up and at least get myself out there. And maybe even if I just start trying to care how I look I'll build some sort of confidence that way (I already noticed a difference yesterday when I put on a little makeup). I'm thinking of taking Tai Chi or yoga classes, but that'll probably have to wait until I can find a new job, but I'm sure that'll bring back some of my sanity and make me feel better about my body.

Now just to decide whether I want to get a black/red cheongsam or one of the pretty lavender/bluish ones. I love some of the black and red phoenix and dragon ones (but the ones I REALLY like are out of my price range) but I'm thinking the pastels will be really pretty, especially for any summer weddings coming up over the next year or two. Plus I can always get a regular black cocktail dress if I need something dark, but I don't think there's a shot in hell I could pull off a light color cocktail dress with how pale and untannable I am.

I absolutely hate my fucking life.

So there I am, lying in bed with Bill as I had been for the last 20 minutes or so when all of a sudden I get some of the worst nerve pain I've ever had in my life in my right leg from my big toe up to my hip, centering a lot around my ankle. It hurt so bad, I actually cried for like 5 minutes, even though aches and pains, especially fibromyalgia aches and pains, barely make me flinch anymore.

Now? It feels like the entire fucking right side of my body is the painful type of pins and needles. I even have a migraine only on the right side of my head and only my right nostril feels like there's sinus pressure even though I haven't been having a lot of allergy problems since it's been sunny out lately.

Agh, fuck my life. If this keeps up tomorrow I'm going to have to bring my cane to work... but that's barely going to help since I can't do much with my right arm anyway. Shit I wonder if I can switch with Danielle or something...

And I don't even want to think about work right now. Things could get really stressful the next couple of weeks.

Pre-marital sex. Haha, I was such a goody-goody when I was little.

In other news, I'm torn. I just came up with an awesome idea for the sequel of my fanfiction "History"... so I want to work on that... but then I also have Secret of Mana... and I can't decide what I want to do more...

*headdesk*

My older brother just gave me a ton of NES, SNES, and GBA roms... but he didn't give me a SNES emulator...

God why am I such a fangirl? Stupid Balthier/Ashe is just taking over my life again. I guess it's kind of my fault for replaying FFXII...

But then I just had to go back through the Bal/Ashe community and read old fanfics and old conversations.

Well, at least I'll have a new fanfic to post later tonight. I don't think anyone's done it yet. Either way, I think everyone'll be happy to see the community doing something. We all just seem to want everyone else to post. <3

Huzzah, one more final tomorrow morning at 8. Then I'm done. Oh wait, shit. I forgot to type up my (shitty) short story and send it to my professor. Shit. Maybe he'll pass me if I send it to him tomorrow.

But in that news, I feel much more relieved. I even was able to start working on fanfiction again. Balthier and Ashe are cooperating... for the most part. I'm trying to develop Balthier a bit and I'm afraid I'm not going to get the extent of it across. But we'll see. Either way, it'll be fun to write with the Final Fantasy Tactics crew again... and even more fun when I can have Luso and Balthier cross paths. As much as Vaan irritated him, I see Luso completely pissing our favorite sky pirate off.

And then Judith is planning on starting writing parties soon so I shall force myself to work on my novel then. Fanfiction is fun, and I really want to get "History" and its unnamed sequel done; if only to maybe breath some life back into the Balthier/Ashe community. (Maybe with my crap writing others will feel compelled to write something better. XD)

More important, in the next month I need to work on my paper for the Historical conference that's coming to Salem State at the end of June. Since it's about world history and mercantilism, I decided to write about the diamond trade out of Africa and use that as my grounds that people need to know their history. I'm hoping there'll be at least a couple people I can connect with, and maybe hopefully get some guidance for grad school and such. If all goes well, my paper will get published and I'll get the chance to present the paper with a couple other students. Crossing my fingers on that one. That's pretty huge.

Then I'm going to Atlanta at the end of July for two weeks for training with Teavana. Speaking of which, I have my interview with my district manager on Friday for the Assistant manager position. I'll probably get it if Jillian gets the store manager position, so crossing fingers. If all goes well, I'm hoping to be able to move out this summer, hopefully with a roommate or two.

So here's hoping all goes well and I don't get ridiculously discouraged while trying to work out the kinks in Down With the Demoness.

I don't really have anything to post about. I'm just trying to give my brain a couple minute reprieve from my lingustics paper on performative verbs... which is philosophy and linguistics in one and I didn't really have the background to try to conquer this. It's supposed to be 5-7 pages, but I think I'll make it to 3. 3 pages is better then nothing turned in. And it's not my fault I had a migraine for 4 days straight, which makes complex things even harder to deal with. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I'm just fucking done with school. I have one more book to read...have to type up my shitty short story and one my final to take at the ass crack of dawn on Thursday. Then Friday I have my interview with the district manager to hopefully get the assistant manager position at work.

*headdesk* Who wants to go out drinking? I need some chill time.

Customer walks in.

Customer: Do you sell ice cream?
Me: Um... what?
Customer: Do you sell ice cream?
Me: Um... no...
Customer: Oh, because a woman in the mall said I could get ice cream and pointed here. (I continue to stare at her) Share said there was Haagen Das.
Me: Yeah... That's around the corner. This is Teavana. (I point to the MASSIVE lettering above my head.
Customer: I know. I just thought you guys sold ice cream.

Srsly lady... DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ICE CREAM?! WHAT FUCKING ICE CREAM STORE AS TEAPOTS AND TEA SAMPLES EVERYWHERE???!!!!

God I hate stupid people. This was just as bad when I used to work at A.C. Moore and I was BEHIND the customer service desk that had a MASSIVE sign saying "A.C. Moore Customer Service" while wearing a red A.C. Moore apron and having big name tag that said A.C. Moore and I'd get asked "Do you work here?" Are you fucking kidding people?!

Got my computer back. Again. This time it was the motherboard that decided it didn't want to work. Luckily, I didn't need to pay for it due to having gotten the laptop through the school. Still have until the end of August before it runs out. By then I hope to have a desktop for everything and then a mini laptop for school since it's more fibro-friendly, as Bill and I like to put it.

So trying to exercise more. I've hit 170, the highest I've ever weighed in my life. Really strange for me since I was always the skinny girl at 120 in high school. How the fuck did I manage to gain 50 pounds in like 3 years anyway? I must've put on like 20 of it in the last year alone. So I'm trying to get myself motivated, and I found a DDR game & pad for my Xbox 360 for about $20. Maybe that being in the living room will motivate me to move around and do something.

Speaking of which, God I've been so unmotivated lately. I want to write, but I feel like none of the words are coming to me. I have pictures in my head, but I can't draw for shit. I've been more inclined to work on music, but I'm so stupid with a guitar, which is the only instrument in my house. I don't even know how to tune the stupid thing. Well maybe if my 35+ hours a week at Teavana keep up I can afford a few guitar lessons to get me started. I should be able to teach myself beyond that since I've had so much musical instruction and theory. I've been thinking I'd like to do some songwriting and maybe find a couple people to join up with and play, even if it doesn't turn into anything serious. So like 2 1/2 weeks left of school, and I just can't seem to bring myself to do my final assignments. It's like I just don't care at this point. I probably just need my ass kicked to get some real work done. And I really need to get cracking on DWtD, especially if I want to send it out by the end of the year. But I don't know how to start with editing... and hell, do I even know what publisher might be interested in a sci-fi/fantasy that's a little bit more realistic with political figures and structures and there's none of this good vs. evil bullshit? I've been wondering if trying to have a different take on a typical storyline will help me get published. I'm probably way out of my league here.

What's really strange is the rebel side of me is coming out. I'm so interested in politics - always have been- but they anger me so much. But really, what angers me more is people's lack of interest in what's happening in their government. I don't understand how people can happily live in ignorance when laws are being passed that affect their well-being. Massachusetts' law that everyone should have health care or they get penalized. Absolutely ridiculous. But people don't care until after the fact. If people just knew their history they'd realize the awful things that our government has done. I don't see why it needs to be a hush history. Mistakes such as eugenics laws could happen again if people don't start paying attention. Most people don't even know that Hitler took our eugenics laws as a basis for his policies. How this something that's not important, I can't even fathom. And with all the information constantly being passed, there's really no excuse. I'd love to start a non-profit organization that could try to make hush history more well known and change the way history is taught in public schools. If you told me even 5 years ago that I was going to be a history major, I would have laughed in your face. All it took was Dr. Wilson giving us a deeper insight that I went "Oh shit, I need to know this." I don't think enough people have the moment. I wonder if an organization like that would take off. Or if one already exists and I'm talking out of my ass.

All right. Off to bed. Since I'm getting close to $1000 back from taxes, I decided that I'd pay off debts/save it. But I am taking $40 of that and treating myself to a half hour tarot card reading from this wonderful woman who works at Judith's work. Hopefully I'll feel much better coming out of there.