So it's quarter of 3 in the morning. I took NyQuil and by all rights and means should be passing out right about now. And definitely need to be since I'm trying to get over this cold and seem to be not taking care of myself like I thought I would on my day off.

I was thinking of doing some more background into DWtD, but then I realized what time it is and that I apparently have to force myself to bed.

But I did want to post that Bill and I had a pretty important conversation that made me feel awesome. He said that he was talking to one of his coworkers and realized that emotionally he'd be ready to propose to me, but that he doesn't feel that he's in a good financial position right now. But the fact that he's emotionally ready is just awesome.

Okay, so a quick update before I get onto the bulk of my post:

-Waiting on moving out just for a couple of months. Ed and I made a plan to hunt in January and try to be out for February. We figure by then we'll have enough for first/last months. I'm still not opposed to moving out on my own, but sharing things like the cable and heating bill will be nice. Plus, I'm the shyest social person you've ever met.

-I was #1 in my department in sales last week with my commission pre-tax at $930. Yeah, I just made over like $20/hr selling kid's shoes... and half the time it doesn't even really feel like I'm working. I wish this would keep up all year. If Nordstrom opens in Boston, I definitely want to transfer over.

-I'm sick. Thanks Judith. :-P

I'm going to start a series of what may seem like rather obnoxious and weird posts that I will be happy to hide under cuts to save people's f-lists and brains. I'm really stuck at a couple things in my novel and decided I'm going to do what I do about any major problem that comes my way, and work through things as logically as I can. Normally I talk to Bill, but I think he's sick of hearing about my novel and me bitching about Vashkoda, so I thought maybe I'd turn to livejournal, that way I'll have it recorded and can go back to it. If anyone decides to read, comment, and keep up with it, I will appreciate any feedback, even something as simple as "You don't suck!"

( So without further ado, Down With the Demoness pt. 1 )

Oh, and BTW, does anyone know where I can find some Titan Maximum icons? I'm obsessed with Gibbs & Jodi.

So I just told dad that I'm actively looking to move out, I even should be seeing an apartment in Brighton sometime in the next few days. I think it'd be really nice, $625 a month, including heat & hot water. Hard wood floors, a couple of closets (which I've never even had one), and my room mate would be a 22 year old art student. But my dad seemed weirded out by it. He just got really quiet and said "Oookay" which usually means something takes him by surprise.

...This really shouldn't take anyone who knows me by surprise. I've only been bitching about wanting to move out since I was a teenager. This has just been the first full time job I've had where I can make something decent, thus enabling me to move out.

I was planning on telling my mom tomorrow, but now that my dad knows, he'll probably tell mom immediately and I'll either get a call before work or when I come home tonight she'll ask me about it. She'll either be upset because she likes having me around as her sanity or she'll be jealous of me since she wants to leave too. Or probably both. Part of me wonders if I'm being a bad daughter by doing this...

The situation at my house is getting worse. I walked in a little while ago after hanging out at Bill's after work to this awful stench, to find one of the dog's (who's been sick and probably needs to be put down soon) has peed so much in her bed that it's leaking from the bottom of her crate. My mom's been sitting in the living room bitching about it and got really pissy when I snapped at her about it.

I can't fucking take it anymore. I mean, my room's not clean and my car's cluttered, but I don't know, I haven't been able to stop crying since I came in about 45 minutes ago.

There needs to be a major intervention. Like probably reality tv worthy.

Or I need to get the fuck out of here now. Anyone know anywhere I can stay for a month or so until I can save up enough money to move out on my own? I think if I stay here I'm going to freak.

I think I was always able to put it on the back burner because of the shitty work experiences and problems with relationships in the past. But now that I've got a stable relationship I'm happy with and a job that I'm enjoying and not thinking "God I want to kill myself" when I get out, it seems that much worse.

Just a short update since OMG I want to get back to Eternal Sonata (Which I totally recommend. It's one of the most adorable games I've played in a long time, and all my fellow Balthier fangirls will ADORE Retto.)

But yeah, I just wanted to say, holy shit, I'm actually happy at work right now. When it's busy, time flies by. Working on this commission with a drop rate (Basically, I won't get paid below a certain rate, the company pitches in if I don't make it) is awesome. Unlike the 2% crap at Teavana, I'm actually motivated and I feel like the time I'm spending is worthwhile. In 7 1/2 hours before taxes, I made $250. ON A FREAKING TUESDAY MORNING.

At this rate through Christmas, I will so be able to move out. I am so excited.

Back to Eternal Sonata. I'm getting close to the end of the game, which is making me happy and sad. Retto and Polka are so god damn adorable, and the other characters are AWESOME. There's some great lines out of it and just all around cuteness. Beautiful music and landscapes. I kind of hope I can find the FMVs online to download because I really want to do an Everlong AMV to the two of them. I already have fanfiction bunnies. I just haven't looked at anything or even gotten any lj icons since I don't want to be spoiled on the ending. I've only looked at the walkthrough once, and it was just because I wanted to know where an item was before I went looking since I wanted to continue with the plot.

After this, I think I might have to pick up Dragon Age, since a certain someone on my friend's list hasn't stopped talking about it and has me interested. :-D

Wiped from work again. I swear this is the best work out that I've ever had.
So I get a daily horoscope in my e-mail, and normally it's kind of "eh" most of the time (and I don't read it until the end of the day just to see), but this was particularly amusing to me:
"You might waste a lot of time and energy today with the Sun square Neptune. Difficulties with technology and information may make it necessary for you to complete tasks twice. Misunderstandings are likely and you will probably be confused."

Now this is really funny because the registers in our area crashed twice on me today. And needless to say, I was confused as fuck since y'know, overwhelming new job and crazy busy so I was kind of on my own. I don't think I did too bad though since Hollie set my goal at $600 for the day and I did $972. Which in 6 hours means awesome hourly rate since I'm 14% commission.

And Bill's mom bought me an adorable dress as a belated birthday gift (even though she got me a cute little goodie bag for my birthday anyway). I should be able to wear it at work and it's something that isn't all black, so it'll be nice.

So I'm in my first week of training and this morning was a store meeting where different departments come around and show off one item for the holidays. We sat through the short presentations took notes, asking questions, and then there was a raffle where you got to pick your favorite holiday item under $100 and five names were drawn (out of easily 200+) and you'd win that item.

So uh, yeah, me, who has worked a whole total of 3 days and hasn't even finished a pay period, won this.

Okay, so Bill's character "Bug" is so much fun to write. In my multiverse I've created the Void, which is the empty space between everything, including and especially dimensions. People who have an understanding of the Void can use it for a multitude of things from transportation to attacking to poison to healing. Of course, there's drawbacks. One of them is Void Madness, where the Void has just twisted your brain and you become insane. There's different levels of it.

Yeah, Bug's pretty insane. The group's counting down to when they're going to attack and instead of counting, he decided to spout out "potato", causing another character to get distracted and drop in a second later because he was thinking of food.

But also, he's insulted that someone believes he got rejected from toast.

So I'm less then 300 words away from hitting 10,000, so I'm going to do that then call it a night. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and it's really getting to me right now.

Thanks a million Issa & Katy! I don't think I would have gotten motivated without you guys! Even after playing Eternal Sonata all afternoon, I started writing here at Bill's and so far I've written 2200 words. That puts me at 7363/18337. That's not as awful as I thought I was. I left the pivotal scene in the middle alone since it's mostly written anyway and would be moving into the next scene. So I wrote the prologue and as soon as I get back will starting the first scene where Vashkoda's with her ragtag team so I get to introduce them, reintroduce Randalia, and then from there it's uncharted territory. Who knows what I'll come up with.

But for now, a break. Going to go play pogo for a little bit before I get back to writing, then head to bed for my second day at the new job.

I'm having a slight problem with my NaNo. Okay, it's a serious problem.

A large part of it is the flu (maybe swine flu? Not entirely out of the question I suppose) I've had for the last week. But my characters just aren't talking to me, and my brain didn't work for a couple days so I fell way far behind.

The only character that is talking to me is Ace. And it's only when I'm listening to Foo Fighters "Everlong" because I absolutely love the acoustic version off their greatest hits CD. This is causing Ace to be rather corny with Koda, and although that wasn't unexpected, I can't seem to write anything else. Arg. Maybe I should just be writing Balthier/Ashe fanfiction.

*headdesk* I think I need a serious peptalk.

I'm sick with what I think is a flu (could be swine flu since my older brother has it and my mother works with kids frequently which is the group that seems to be getting it the most), so I'll keep this short and sweet.

I got the job at Nordstrom's in kid's shoes! I'll be starting Tuesday morning!!! And it's full time with health, dental, and vision benefits after only a couple weeks!!

So I had my last interview today with Nordstrom. Hollie, the department manager for kids' shoes, where they want to put me, really wants to hire me. She said as soon as she was done with the interview she wanted to get me on board because I reminded her of one of her employees when she was manager on the west coast. She wanted to be able to officially offer me a job today, but HR hadn't done my background check or reference check yet. If all goes well, I should be able to start Tuesday morning, but trying not to get too excited. Of course, I am. I'm an emotional person so my highs are really highs and my lows are a pain in the ass.

Yeah, I just reached 4,000 words tonight. Oh, I'm supposed to be at 10,000? Whoops. Eh, I just didn't have inspiration. It's not like I can't have a couple really good days to catch up. I guess because it's the beginning of the month I'm not worried yet. And because I'm still in that middle important scene. I got stuck when Tweak has a conversation with a table linen when it should be the conversation that Ellie & Aubrey should have.

Interestingly enough, I've had a lot of personal insight in the last couple of days and I realized how much I don't want to be just like my mother. I've realized that she never really became an adult and seems to resent being the matriarch of the house. She doesn't realize that she should be setting the standard and I finally realized that growing up it wasn't really my fault that the house has never been clean. I've also realized it's been more her own fault then genetics that caused her to jump from a size 10 to a size 22, and I definitely don't want to fall into the same trap. I can tell that I might, especially since sometimes I don't know how I'd handle being an adult and dealing with all adult things when I move out, but I know it's something that you grow into. My room may never be clean while I'm living at home because there's an apartment's worth of stuff that my mother won't let me store anywhere but my room, but I can at least make sure I watch my weight. My goal's to try to drop back to a size 8. Dropping 4 sizes should be doable.

Geez, between word count and weight loss it sounds like I'm making news years resolutions early. :-D

Edit: I'd just like to add that I still adore Ace. "You think you're the first ex girlfriend who's tried to kill me? C'mon Koda, I'm over it." :-D

Had my interview with Nordstrom today. I think it went really well. I think I impressed the HR person and the department manager I interviewed with. They want to put me in kid's shoes. At first I was like "Huh?" but when I got down and walked around the department I was like "Yes! This would be fun!" Did a little roleplaying, which was really weird since I don't know anything about kid's shoes. But I should hear back tomorrow or Thursday for an interview with the store manager. If I get the job I'll start next Tuesday. So... we'll see. Definitely keeping the fingers crossed.

I suppose my novel needs some attention now. Why are my characters already ignoring me? That's not supposed to happen until week 2 damnit!

Well, I have both good news and bad news.

Good news is that both of my interviews today went well. I have an actual interview with Nordstrom tomorrow and today Macy's offered me a job. I would prefer Nordstrom since it will be full time regular as opposed to full time seasonal at Macy's. Plus I think Nordstrom pays better. But either way, I'll at least have some work coming my way.

Bad news? I didn't get any writing done today. I was so busy with my interviews and errands that by the time I got home I found out my mother was having a meltdown at the store, so I wound up going down there. Then I went over to Bill's and have felt like shit. Maybe when I leave here I'll write a little more.

Oh yes, it's NaNoWriMo time. And I've already made 2,000 words today. Of course, I'm not being a normal person and starting at the beginning. Oh no, I tried that at midnight and this one scene that has been stuck in my head for months and I couldn't write decided ZOMG YOU HAVE TO WRITE ME NOW. Well, I'm not going to fight word count, so I'm writing an important scene in the middle of the book... well... now. Oh well.

I'm in a very good mood right now, most of it still left over from the awesomeness that was yesterday. And the fact that I've already blown by word count and I'll probably write some more later tonight at Bill or Will's place. I'm going to get dressed and head out to find a new game, since part of my birthday gift from Bill was a $50 gift card to Gamestop. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with Nordstrom and an interview with Macy's. Retail's not exactly ideal, especially with the fibromyalgia. But, if I don't find a job this month, I'm not going to have money to pay my bills next month. So I'll take what I can get now until I find something better I guess.

Aaaand if my lj friends want to add me on to NaNoWriMo, the user name is Justice.

Tonight was the most fun I've had in a long time.

It was Paul & Andy's wedding, I was a bridesmaid and Bill was the best man. It was fun and time just flew by. Everything went really well. Bill surprised me by dancing with me to 3 slow songs and actually coming out onto the dance floor when several of us were making total asses of ourselves. I can't wait to see the pictures and video from the reception. Bill was adorable and really romantic. I just know from everything lately and today that I am madly in love with him and definitely want to get married to him.

The other amazing thing about today was for one of the first times in my life, I thought I looked gorgeous. Between my make up & hair being professionally done and the way my dress fit me, I just realized that I can be really really pretty. I actually had butterflies walking down the aisle because Bill was already at the church and I was hoping he'd be floored by the way I looked. One of the first things he said was how gorgeous he thought I looked. I got compliments from a lot of people.

And in about 45 minutes, NaNo starts again! I might not get anything done until the morning, I'm pretty beat.

I just need to vent for a minute.

So on my way to Bill's this afternoon, and suddenly I hear my car engine make a lot of noises it shouldn't. I look at my dashboard and see that my engine's overheating. So I panic, pull over and have to wait a half hour just for my hood to cool down to try to prop it up. Bill winds up coming to meet me, we get some water into it since I was apparently very low on coolant.

While I pulling over and panicking, I got a call from an unknown number, so I let it go to voicemail. Check it later, and it's someone calling me for an interview. Huzzah!

Except I apparently submitted a resume to a place in Easton. A fucking hour away if traffic's good, which will never be since I'd have to go south on 93 through Boston.

I don't even think it's worth calling the guy back. I don't think my car will be able to handle that commute, and it has to hold out. I can't be both unemployed and carless. That's just not a point I want to hit. This year has sucked enough, can't I get a break from it?

Fuck my life.

Well, at least my hours at work got cut down a little bit. I'm down to 41.5 hours, assuming I get out on time, unlike the hour late I stayed tonight.

Yesterday was kind of a disaster. It was my first day off in 6 days, and at the time (he changed the schedule yesterday) my only day off all week. Therefore, I needed the day to chill, handle errands and try to essentially reboot. First thing in the morning, I get a call from Tae while I was in the bathroom in a very stern voice saying I needed to call him back.

Yeah, fuck that. On my day off? So I didn't call him back. Bill and I go in for our massages in the afternoon, and he gives me shit for not calling him back and that it's "very important" and "why he got all of our cell phone numbers." While Bill's sitting in the reception area, he fucking pulls me into his office to lecture me. Oh, and the things he so badly needed to talk to me about that couldn't wait a day? He wanted to accuse me of not vacuuming, yell at me for not double checking the waters being refilled, and tell me that apparently it was my fault a member I didn't even interact with but to say good bye canceled her membership.

I'm so bullshit by all of his harassment that I think I'm going to sit down and talk to a lawyer to see what options are for several employees to come together and sue him. Because I'm pretty sure if he does say anything to us at work about it he can get into even more trouble.

But in more positive news, my massage with Elizabeth was awesome yesterday. I've done a lot of meditation and a lot of energy work with many different people, but her touch was one of the most comforting I've ever felt. It was nice, especially after the shit Tae had just given me minutes before going into the room. Bill's feeling pretty good now; he said his back is actually squishy for once. Lol.

I talked to Elizabeth some more this morning about energy and told her about how I've always had this natural inclination to be a healer. Without really knowing exactly why I know what to do, I've gotten rid of people's migraines, healed cuts faster and soothed people. She suggested looking into Reiki, which I've thought about doing in the past. I went online and started looking at some websites, and I was instantly drawn to it. The symbols, the ideas, it just clicked with me. So I'm thinking of trying to find a Reiki class to take and hope that I can squeeze it into my budget. I don't even know if I'd even care if I made money off of it, but being a healer just seems to fit with me. Part of this post I think is curiosity if anyone knows anything more to point me in a direction.

Oh, and the other part of this post is to apologize for being a bad friend and reminding my college friends that I love them dearly. <3

Oops, overdue for an update.

Unfortunately, it's not as good as I'd like it to be.

I'm back to job hunting. I'm working at this job, and I like the job itself, and I like the people I work with, but my boss is so unbelievably creepy. He stalks people on facebook, he makes very lewd sexual comments, and has the temperment of a child. I'm fortunate that he really likes me so this stupid nonsense has yet to be directed my way. But all in all between the attitude and the "Do sales without any training or assistance from me!" I've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Better to leave while I'm ahead I guess.

In the meantime, at least I'm making a bunch of money. Right now I'm working 6 days 54 hours a week and half the time I just sit on my ass and write fanfiction. The girls harassing me to get my next AU chapter out should be happy soon... if Balthier would just stay in character. He's such a little girl sometimes.

I'm feeling kind of down today. I think I'm just exhausted from this job and being sick. So to entertain me I have Kyle from Lunar Silver Star Story dressed as a lady... because that may have been one of his best moments ever.

Ugh I feel like such a mess.

I'm having an anxiety attack right now. It's so bad I'm feeling the need to run over to Bill's. I haven't done that in months. I can't breath, I can't calm down.

I think I just have this overwhelming amount of pent up emotion and rage about Teavana, and now that today was my final shift, a lot of things are coming out.

Most prominitely, is the idea and fear that I'm going from one pot to another. That things aren't going to get any better and that my work will still be attacked and belittled no matter what I do. I'm scared this job isn't going to work out. I'm scared that I'll be left with nothing.

This right here is a prime example of why I (and others) remain in horrible situations. What if what's next is much worse? Will I be able to handle it? I got so close to snapping and putting myself in a mental institution this past summer, I'm afraid that things aren't going to get better and the stress is going to be just as bad or worse.

It doesn't help I'm so self-conscious about mistakes right now. I can't write even fanfiction because I feel like if I make a mistake I'm just going to be berated and embarassed for it. I suddenly feel like everyone is looking at me with these judging eyes, and I just want to hide away from it. I can't focus on anything right now.

I'm trying so hard to let these feelings and frustrations go. But when I think about Teavana I just get so angry all over again. Even tonight, on my last shift, fucking Sharren goes "Well, it's been interesting." Yeah, fuck you too... stupid bitch that does, on a daily basis, the same bullshit I almost got fired for. Favoritism is the only way that the place runs. Almost everyone's such attention whores there.

I started training at the new job this past week, and god I just screw everything up. I keep making dumb mistakes and making myself look like an ass. I'm so scared that I'm going to fuck this up and then be jobless.

It's strange... in a way it feels good to be sitting here crying. I feel like I need several detoxing cries after these last couple of months. I just feel like my self-esteem is completely shattered right now, and I know I couldn't explain this and how it happened to Bill because I just don't think he'd understand. I mean, I don't even get it.