I think I understand why I've had such a difficult time with my novel (aside from the obvious factor of the major stress/depression.)

My novel is just so much bigger then me. Between all the characters, the systems of governments, the wars small and large.

But I realized tonight that that's okay. I was talking with Denis about my novels tonight, and he gave me a genuine offer to have him read and critique. When I realized that I talk about my novel and writing with a lot of people but the first novel isn't ready for a serious read. I definitely want that to change. Besides, finishing the first novel will no doubt help me hash out the extensive details of complicated societies.

I listened to my Flobots CD, which I haven't listened to in MONTHS. And I feel like things clicked. It's really not a secret that the underlying theme of my novels is my personal belief in the power and necessities of revolution when things become outdated and weary. I of course believe in an intellectual revolution where people stop being so fucking stupid and willingly oblivious to the nonsense going through the government. But since it's a sci-fi/fantasy novel I know I'll attract a bigger crowd with violence and bloodshed in balance with the dialogue and ideas. Plus, I suppose that idea's more realistic then my own hope ironically.

But I digress. My entire life I've always felt a push towards change and putting a stop to nonsense. In elementary school I wanted to go into politics and be president to try to change the world. Brandi and I were "freedom fighters", a title I had several RP characters hold with pride.

I go through periods where I ignore this feeling and drive to change the world and be vocal. It's really only because the people closest to me don't want to hear about it all the time. Or they're bitter and believe that it's not worth trying to change anything since it won't work. Even knowing that that's probably true, I've still never been able to shake the feeling. The times I remember it are the times I feel that I'm truly doing whatever it is that I was put here to do. I don't think I'm meant to be an idle watcher. I'm meant to do something.

So I do the only thing that I'm particularly decent at - writing. I can create characters, I can cause tension, I can write plot and dialogue. Something inside of me has always felt that my writing's meant to have a point. Maybe it's egotistical of me, but I feel that the only times I've really believed in myself is when I believe I can be an inspiration to spark change.

No later then March I want to have a first well readable draft of DWtD done. I don't want to make any more excuses. I don't want to pretend this isn't how I feel anymore.

Happy new year you guys.

I had a blast at my brother's party. Even if I was kind of cranky because I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I'm taking Nyquil in a minute and I don't have to get up until like 10:30ish. I'm so fucking sleeping tonight.

I'm looking for part time work since the next couple of months are going to be SO SLOW at work. My awesome department manager is transfering (getting a promotion to a bigger store) and we don't know who's coming in. I'm doing my best to remain optimistic, but I adore Hollie so it kinda sucks. I realized that it was time for bed though when I wanted to throw my laptop across the room when Word started being a bitch about the formatting in my resume.

Anyway, and real quick hoping I can get an opinion. I definitely want to write a pretty epic fic for FFVI with the concept of Sabin having to take over the throne. I just kind of wanted to pick people's brains for a second. I'm trying to see if I can figure a viable reason why magic returns and since the brain hasn't been working in several days, I'm completely drawing blanks.

2009 blew monkey balls. I started the year off in a job that didn't want to work around my fibromyalgia and I had no grounds for help because I couldn't get a doctor (and still can't) to write me a note. And then I got the job at Teavana which was awesome for a while, until Lisa got fired and Jillian apparently thought it was acceptable to curse at people, insult them, write the f-bomb everywhere, and just generally play favorites and be a bitch. I then left that for elements, and oh the joys of working for Tae.

However, one good thing came of that. I met Elizabeth whose memory I will carry with me and still strive myself to be as honest and kind as she was.

I spent a month and a half unemployed and horribly frustrated about finding a job. In a last ditch effort because my bills were coming up, I applied at Nordstrom. Imagine my surprise when they offer me a full time permanent sales position. The surprise continued when I didn't despise them as a corporation like every other one I've ever seen/read anything about it. In fact, I've become more and more impressed with them and how well they take care of their employees and customers. I love this job and my bosses are amazing. No longer do I have anxiety attacks about having to go to work.

The low point? I'd have to say the majority of this year was pretty low for me. Would I want to go through it again? Fuck no. But things are looking up. I do love this job and hopefully I'll be getting my own place in a couple of months. So being optimistic about 2010.

So life's pretty uneventful. Which I suppose is good. Bill and I are going on vacation in a couple weeks to Vermont just to relax after the stress of the holidays.

In awesome news, I totally found a GBA copy of FFV for $2.50 at FYE. Haha, take that Squaresoft! I really wanted to replace my FFVI, but for $2.50, how the hell could I refuse?

Speaking of FFVI, I'm having a lot of fun with my TerraxSabin table. I should have an update with a couple of short fics in a day or two. I have 003 Forgiveness done, had started an idea for Regret, but it turned silly so I reassigned it to Absurd. I still know what I want to do for Regret and for Discovery, all of them pretty short ficlets ~500 words or so.

I've been toying around with the idea for a bigger fic, which I'm sure I can still assign to the table just by adding the Terra x Sabin dynamic to it. I've always wanted to write a fic set after the game where something happens to Edgar and Sabin has to take the throne over. I don't know why I'm suddenly obsessed with the idea, I think I just like to torture characters and make them work outside of their element just to see what they'll do. I'll have to put some more thought into it, but yeah.

Anyway, suppose I should go to bed soon. It is 1:30ish.

Title: The Little Things
Rating: PG because we all love Strago :-D
Fandom: Final Fantasy VI
Characters: Sabin x Terra, Locke, Edgar, Setzer, Cyan, Strago
Spoilers: Takes place post game but no specific spoilers.
Summary: Locke embarrasses Sabin during a poker night with the guys where they all feel the need to give Sabin romantic advice. Although he doesn't necessarily follows their exact advice, he does finally decide to do something.
Notes: First of many, but have to start somewhere. Take a look at the prompts, and I'm happy to take requests if someone gets an awesome plot bunny.
Full table found here.

( “A uh… a gentleman doesn’t… kiss and tell,” )

Because I have so much free time on my hands (/sar), I've decided to take on a lover100 challenge. I'm in the mood to start something epic and I'm hoping that this will force me to write since my goal is to get it done by the end of 2010. I've had so little faith in my writing that I've had a terrible time trying to work on my original works, but there's something really gratifying about being able to write and post up fanfiction immediately.

So I'm claiming this table for Sabin and Terra. I went around a lot with who I was going to write with, especially since my original OTP was Virginia/Jet, but I love these two, even if there isn't a huge want for it.

Oh god I'm so insane. Maybe this is why my boss shouldn't call me to tell me that I'll either be coming in late or not at all due to the snow.


Table-B

001.	Romance.	002.	Beauty.	003.	Forgiveness.	004.	Regret.	005.	Discovery.
006.	First Meeting.	007.	Hardest Truth.	008.	Resolutions.	009.	Anything.	010.	Home.
011.	Intimacy.	012.	Self-Love.	013.	Kisses.	014.	Frustration.	015.	Pressure.
016.	Absurd.	017.	Forbidden.	018.	Honesty.	019.	Grace.	020.	Laughter.
021.	Confidence.	022.	Happiness.	023.	Sexy.	024.	Tears.	025.	Growth.
026.	Sensuality.	027.	Faith.	028.	Night.	029.	Day.	030.	Innocence.
031.	Music.	032.	Water.	033.	Love.	034.	Ambiguity.	035.	Act.
036.	Whew.	037.	Anger.	038.	Dirt.	039.	Trust.	040.	Heat.
041.	Summer Love.	042.	Patience.	043.	Opportunity.	044.	Death.	045.	Passion.
046.	Healing.	047.	Life.	048.	Joy.	049.	Freedom.	050.	Bliss.
051.	Dreams.	052.	Kinky.	053.	Haunted.	054.	Emergence.	055.	Transmogrify.
056.	Magnetic.	057.	Surreal.	058.	Passage.	059.	Lush.	060.	Could Have.
061.	Would Have.	062.	Should Have.	063.	Hunger.	064.	Need.	065.	Want.
066.	Take.	067.	Have.	068.	Mine.	069.	Yours.	070.	Lubricious.
071.	Lugubrious.	072.	Perspective.	073.	Capering.	074.	Empathy.	075.	Sympathy.
076.	Mirth.	077.	Almost.	078.	Always.	079.	Surprise.	080.	Warmth.
081.	Heartache.	082.	Ghosts.	083.	Break-Up.	084.	Make-Up.	085.	Diary.
086.	Voice.	087.	Biggest Fear.	088.	Warning.	089.	Everything.	090.	Nothing.
091.	Failure.	092.	Success.	093.	Glimpse.	094.	Sanctuary.	095.	Picture.
096.	Writer‘s Choice.	097.	Writer‘s Choice.	098.	Writer‘s Choice.	099.	Writer‘s Choice.	100.	Writer‘s Choice.

So it's quarter of 3 in the morning. I took NyQuil and by all rights and means should be passing out right about now. And definitely need to be since I'm trying to get over this cold and seem to be not taking care of myself like I thought I would on my day off.

I was thinking of doing some more background into DWtD, but then I realized what time it is and that I apparently have to force myself to bed.

But I did want to post that Bill and I had a pretty important conversation that made me feel awesome. He said that he was talking to one of his coworkers and realized that emotionally he'd be ready to propose to me, but that he doesn't feel that he's in a good financial position right now. But the fact that he's emotionally ready is just awesome.

Okay, so a quick update before I get onto the bulk of my post:

-Waiting on moving out just for a couple of months. Ed and I made a plan to hunt in January and try to be out for February. We figure by then we'll have enough for first/last months. I'm still not opposed to moving out on my own, but sharing things like the cable and heating bill will be nice. Plus, I'm the shyest social person you've ever met.

-I was #1 in my department in sales last week with my commission pre-tax at $930. Yeah, I just made over like $20/hr selling kid's shoes... and half the time it doesn't even really feel like I'm working. I wish this would keep up all year. If Nordstrom opens in Boston, I definitely want to transfer over.

-I'm sick. Thanks Judith. :-P

I'm going to start a series of what may seem like rather obnoxious and weird posts that I will be happy to hide under cuts to save people's f-lists and brains. I'm really stuck at a couple things in my novel and decided I'm going to do what I do about any major problem that comes my way, and work through things as logically as I can. Normally I talk to Bill, but I think he's sick of hearing about my novel and me bitching about Vashkoda, so I thought maybe I'd turn to livejournal, that way I'll have it recorded and can go back to it. If anyone decides to read, comment, and keep up with it, I will appreciate any feedback, even something as simple as "You don't suck!"

( So without further ado, Down With the Demoness pt. 1 )

Oh, and BTW, does anyone know where I can find some Titan Maximum icons? I'm obsessed with Gibbs & Jodi.

So I just told dad that I'm actively looking to move out, I even should be seeing an apartment in Brighton sometime in the next few days. I think it'd be really nice, $625 a month, including heat & hot water. Hard wood floors, a couple of closets (which I've never even had one), and my room mate would be a 22 year old art student. But my dad seemed weirded out by it. He just got really quiet and said "Oookay" which usually means something takes him by surprise.

...This really shouldn't take anyone who knows me by surprise. I've only been bitching about wanting to move out since I was a teenager. This has just been the first full time job I've had where I can make something decent, thus enabling me to move out.

I was planning on telling my mom tomorrow, but now that my dad knows, he'll probably tell mom immediately and I'll either get a call before work or when I come home tonight she'll ask me about it. She'll either be upset because she likes having me around as her sanity or she'll be jealous of me since she wants to leave too. Or probably both. Part of me wonders if I'm being a bad daughter by doing this...

The situation at my house is getting worse. I walked in a little while ago after hanging out at Bill's after work to this awful stench, to find one of the dog's (who's been sick and probably needs to be put down soon) has peed so much in her bed that it's leaking from the bottom of her crate. My mom's been sitting in the living room bitching about it and got really pissy when I snapped at her about it.

I can't fucking take it anymore. I mean, my room's not clean and my car's cluttered, but I don't know, I haven't been able to stop crying since I came in about 45 minutes ago.

There needs to be a major intervention. Like probably reality tv worthy.

Or I need to get the fuck out of here now. Anyone know anywhere I can stay for a month or so until I can save up enough money to move out on my own? I think if I stay here I'm going to freak.

I think I was always able to put it on the back burner because of the shitty work experiences and problems with relationships in the past. But now that I've got a stable relationship I'm happy with and a job that I'm enjoying and not thinking "God I want to kill myself" when I get out, it seems that much worse.

Just a short update since OMG I want to get back to Eternal Sonata (Which I totally recommend. It's one of the most adorable games I've played in a long time, and all my fellow Balthier fangirls will ADORE Retto.)

But yeah, I just wanted to say, holy shit, I'm actually happy at work right now. When it's busy, time flies by. Working on this commission with a drop rate (Basically, I won't get paid below a certain rate, the company pitches in if I don't make it) is awesome. Unlike the 2% crap at Teavana, I'm actually motivated and I feel like the time I'm spending is worthwhile. In 7 1/2 hours before taxes, I made $250. ON A FREAKING TUESDAY MORNING.

At this rate through Christmas, I will so be able to move out. I am so excited.

Back to Eternal Sonata. I'm getting close to the end of the game, which is making me happy and sad. Retto and Polka are so god damn adorable, and the other characters are AWESOME. There's some great lines out of it and just all around cuteness. Beautiful music and landscapes. I kind of hope I can find the FMVs online to download because I really want to do an Everlong AMV to the two of them. I already have fanfiction bunnies. I just haven't looked at anything or even gotten any lj icons since I don't want to be spoiled on the ending. I've only looked at the walkthrough once, and it was just because I wanted to know where an item was before I went looking since I wanted to continue with the plot.

After this, I think I might have to pick up Dragon Age, since a certain someone on my friend's list hasn't stopped talking about it and has me interested. :-D

Wiped from work again. I swear this is the best work out that I've ever had.
So I get a daily horoscope in my e-mail, and normally it's kind of "eh" most of the time (and I don't read it until the end of the day just to see), but this was particularly amusing to me:
"You might waste a lot of time and energy today with the Sun square Neptune. Difficulties with technology and information may make it necessary for you to complete tasks twice. Misunderstandings are likely and you will probably be confused."

Now this is really funny because the registers in our area crashed twice on me today. And needless to say, I was confused as fuck since y'know, overwhelming new job and crazy busy so I was kind of on my own. I don't think I did too bad though since Hollie set my goal at $600 for the day and I did $972. Which in 6 hours means awesome hourly rate since I'm 14% commission.

And Bill's mom bought me an adorable dress as a belated birthday gift (even though she got me a cute little goodie bag for my birthday anyway). I should be able to wear it at work and it's something that isn't all black, so it'll be nice.

So I'm in my first week of training and this morning was a store meeting where different departments come around and show off one item for the holidays. We sat through the short presentations took notes, asking questions, and then there was a raffle where you got to pick your favorite holiday item under $100 and five names were drawn (out of easily 200+) and you'd win that item.

So uh, yeah, me, who has worked a whole total of 3 days and hasn't even finished a pay period, won this.

Okay, so Bill's character "Bug" is so much fun to write. In my multiverse I've created the Void, which is the empty space between everything, including and especially dimensions. People who have an understanding of the Void can use it for a multitude of things from transportation to attacking to poison to healing. Of course, there's drawbacks. One of them is Void Madness, where the Void has just twisted your brain and you become insane. There's different levels of it.

Yeah, Bug's pretty insane. The group's counting down to when they're going to attack and instead of counting, he decided to spout out "potato", causing another character to get distracted and drop in a second later because he was thinking of food.

But also, he's insulted that someone believes he got rejected from toast.

So I'm less then 300 words away from hitting 10,000, so I'm going to do that then call it a night. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and it's really getting to me right now.

Thanks a million Issa & Katy! I don't think I would have gotten motivated without you guys! Even after playing Eternal Sonata all afternoon, I started writing here at Bill's and so far I've written 2200 words. That puts me at 7363/18337. That's not as awful as I thought I was. I left the pivotal scene in the middle alone since it's mostly written anyway and would be moving into the next scene. So I wrote the prologue and as soon as I get back will starting the first scene where Vashkoda's with her ragtag team so I get to introduce them, reintroduce Randalia, and then from there it's uncharted territory. Who knows what I'll come up with.

But for now, a break. Going to go play pogo for a little bit before I get back to writing, then head to bed for my second day at the new job.

I'm having a slight problem with my NaNo. Okay, it's a serious problem.

A large part of it is the flu (maybe swine flu? Not entirely out of the question I suppose) I've had for the last week. But my characters just aren't talking to me, and my brain didn't work for a couple days so I fell way far behind.

The only character that is talking to me is Ace. And it's only when I'm listening to Foo Fighters "Everlong" because I absolutely love the acoustic version off their greatest hits CD. This is causing Ace to be rather corny with Koda, and although that wasn't unexpected, I can't seem to write anything else. Arg. Maybe I should just be writing Balthier/Ashe fanfiction.

*headdesk* I think I need a serious peptalk.

I'm sick with what I think is a flu (could be swine flu since my older brother has it and my mother works with kids frequently which is the group that seems to be getting it the most), so I'll keep this short and sweet.

I got the job at Nordstrom's in kid's shoes! I'll be starting Tuesday morning!!! And it's full time with health, dental, and vision benefits after only a couple weeks!!

So I had my last interview today with Nordstrom. Hollie, the department manager for kids' shoes, where they want to put me, really wants to hire me. She said as soon as she was done with the interview she wanted to get me on board because I reminded her of one of her employees when she was manager on the west coast. She wanted to be able to officially offer me a job today, but HR hadn't done my background check or reference check yet. If all goes well, I should be able to start Tuesday morning, but trying not to get too excited. Of course, I am. I'm an emotional person so my highs are really highs and my lows are a pain in the ass.

Yeah, I just reached 4,000 words tonight. Oh, I'm supposed to be at 10,000? Whoops. Eh, I just didn't have inspiration. It's not like I can't have a couple really good days to catch up. I guess because it's the beginning of the month I'm not worried yet. And because I'm still in that middle important scene. I got stuck when Tweak has a conversation with a table linen when it should be the conversation that Ellie & Aubrey should have.

Interestingly enough, I've had a lot of personal insight in the last couple of days and I realized how much I don't want to be just like my mother. I've realized that she never really became an adult and seems to resent being the matriarch of the house. She doesn't realize that she should be setting the standard and I finally realized that growing up it wasn't really my fault that the house has never been clean. I've also realized it's been more her own fault then genetics that caused her to jump from a size 10 to a size 22, and I definitely don't want to fall into the same trap. I can tell that I might, especially since sometimes I don't know how I'd handle being an adult and dealing with all adult things when I move out, but I know it's something that you grow into. My room may never be clean while I'm living at home because there's an apartment's worth of stuff that my mother won't let me store anywhere but my room, but I can at least make sure I watch my weight. My goal's to try to drop back to a size 8. Dropping 4 sizes should be doable.

Geez, between word count and weight loss it sounds like I'm making news years resolutions early. :-D

Edit: I'd just like to add that I still adore Ace. "You think you're the first ex girlfriend who's tried to kill me? C'mon Koda, I'm over it." :-D

Had my interview with Nordstrom today. I think it went really well. I think I impressed the HR person and the department manager I interviewed with. They want to put me in kid's shoes. At first I was like "Huh?" but when I got down and walked around the department I was like "Yes! This would be fun!" Did a little roleplaying, which was really weird since I don't know anything about kid's shoes. But I should hear back tomorrow or Thursday for an interview with the store manager. If I get the job I'll start next Tuesday. So... we'll see. Definitely keeping the fingers crossed.

I suppose my novel needs some attention now. Why are my characters already ignoring me? That's not supposed to happen until week 2 damnit!

Well, I have both good news and bad news.

Good news is that both of my interviews today went well. I have an actual interview with Nordstrom tomorrow and today Macy's offered me a job. I would prefer Nordstrom since it will be full time regular as opposed to full time seasonal at Macy's. Plus I think Nordstrom pays better. But either way, I'll at least have some work coming my way.

Bad news? I didn't get any writing done today. I was so busy with my interviews and errands that by the time I got home I found out my mother was having a meltdown at the store, so I wound up going down there. Then I went over to Bill's and have felt like shit. Maybe when I leave here I'll write a little more.